Professional Booger Cleaner

   As a Mom we take on a bunch of different roles...cook, driver, entertainer, nurse, you name and we do it. Over the past two weeks I picked up another title...professional booger cleaner. Yep. I don't know if I can ever put it on a resume, but it is a skill I have acquired and I have to say I'm pretty damn good at it.

   Let's rewind about two weeks. My older daughter was jumping around and moving like Jagger and the next day she's got a 102 fever and throwing up dinner. Good times. It doesn't stop there. Day two we pick up a nose that runs worse than any leaky faucet you could imagine. Day three we acquire what sounds like a smoker's cough. By day four, we're on fire at 104 degrees with a little diarrhea thrown in just for fun. Here's the best news of all...the doctor tells us it's just a virus and there's not much I can do but just wait it out. Well, while waiting it out, I manage to get sick for a couple of days,and my baby daughter gets sick too. She gets the runny nose and smoker's cough with some pink eye thrown in for fun.

   During this whole time, I felt like someone on that show about people who have the dirtiest jobs. Mother should be thrown in there. I cleaned more boogers in 14 days than I think I have in my entire life. It's amazing how much snot two little noses can carry. In case you were wondering, there is an art form to cleaning a child's nose, since they can't blow it like you or I. You have to be quick on the draw and swoop that tissue in as if you were Indiana Jones in the temple of doom. If you slow down you are in trouble and end up with one unhappy kid to say the least!

   After playing nurse to everyone in the family, including my husband, because of course he got sick too, you would think I would get some flowers or something. Nope, I get rewarded with a dose of pink eye myself. This is after already getting sick and feeling better. Totally not fair! But anyway, as I'm sitting in the doctor's office filling out paperwork, I get to the part that says "occupation." For one moment in time, I'm tempted to pencil in "professional booger cleaner." But then I'd have to write vomit cleaner upper and diaper changer of the year! I opt for mom. That doesn't even begin to describe all the hats I wear, but for now it will have to do!

The Wheels On the Car Go Round & Round...Until Someone Has to Pee

   If you have kids, you know vacations ain't what they used to be. You can say goodbye to sleeping until a decent hour. A child's body clock has no respect for the fact that you are on vacation. Accept it and move on. Forget about romantic, candlelight dinners that don't include chicken nuggets and crayons. It's not happening unless you have a sitter with you. Your table for two is now set for at least three. There's no turning back now. Whether you travel by train, plane, or automobile, fasten your seat belts, it could be a bumpy ride!

   Seeing that I only have experienced travelling with kids by car, that's what I'm going to talk about here.We recently went on a road trip with our two kids and a family with two kids of their own...all in one vehicle. Yes, I know, some of you may think we're crazy, and maybe we are! In case you're hitting the roadways this summer, here are some tips I picked up that could help make your ride a smoother one. Here we go...

1. Travel during the night when the kids are usually sleeping
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT travel during daylight hours. Even if you have to hook up a caffeine IV to your steering wheel, it is well worth travelling at night .

2. No matter how many videos you bring for that damn DVD player, it's never enough
You'll be watching Barney's adventure until your face turns purple and Dora will still be exploring. Trust me.

3. If you buy a Happy Meal for one child in the car, buy one for all
Don't worry if they won't eat the apples or if the toy is stupid. Failing to do so will make an unhappy meal for all.

4. Children will have to pee every five miles even if they've had nothing to drink for an hour
They must be hardwired to do so. I really have no other explanation.

5. If you have a baby, he or she will pick your super long car ride to decide to poop like an adult
It won't be pretty. Enough said.

6. You can not breastfeed your baby while he or she is in the car seat
Your body is not made that way and if it were you would be on the next Jerry Springer show.

7. Your car will look like it belongs on "Hoarders"
It will be packed with all kinds of crap. There will be crumbs and toys on the floor and the seat. There are also bound to be spots from some kind of spilled junk. That's why there are car washes.

8. If you need gas and the kids are sleeping, ride it on "E" for as long as you can
There is a 100 percent chance one, if not all, will wake up pissed off once the vehicle comes to a stop.
Pretend you are Kramer from "Seinfeld" and you're in that episode where he rides as long as he can without getting gas.

9. You will hear your name non-stop.
Don't plan on relaxing or reading a book. It's just not going to happen.

10. You will make some great memories.
Trust me here. After all is said and done, it really is a lot of fun ,despite the bumps in the road.

Happy Trails!

Toys R Us= Epic Fail!

   Did you know that shopping for a swing set could be so difficult? I really think it's harder than buying a car. We started this monumental process four weeks ago (at least) and have yet to make a decision. There are so many things to consider and let me tell you, some places don't make the whole shopping experience any easier...not even a place like Toys R Us.

   I actually thought we found "the one" in a Toys R Us flier. It had lots of cool stuff and I wasn't going to have to remortgage my house to afford it. In case you didn't know, some of these sets can set you back a few thousand dollars, yes, I said a few thousand. But anyway, I'm getting off the point. We went to check it out at the store and noticed a sign that said there was an extra charge for delivery and assembly. We don't really have the time to put it together, so we thought the assembly could be worth the extra money.

  Before paying up, we wanted to see how much it would cost with all the bells and whistles, including the delivery and assembly. Apparently, at Toys R Us that's more difficult than finding the winning lottery combination. We waited for more than a half hour while the lady tried to pull up this magic number on a computer that Fred Flintstone could have used. Only when we asked to talk to a manager, did the lady call for help. Then some guy came up and tried to help her figure it out. Mind you, he never introduced himself as the manager, nor did he have a tag that said he was one. After about two minutes, he informed us they don't put the swing sets together, so that's why the computer couldn't spit out a price.



   It took nearly an hour for us to just find this out! When my husband showed him the sign saying assembly was extra, he simply said that was wrong because, again, they don't offer assembly on those products.



Misleading Sign=Epic Fail!



   For the love of Christmas! Why would you have a sign that was misleading? To make matters worse, you have employees who don't know that! A big company like Toys R Us can't afford to print out a new sign or at least black out the part that was wrong? Epic fail! To make matters worse, we never even saw the manager and were never offered anything to make up for the mistake or the nearly one hour of time we wasted just to get a price. That's a big no-no in my book.

   It would have been nice if they at least acknowledged the mistake or did something that would have helped us to walk away happier than we did. I don't think Geoffrey the giraffe would approve of what went down in one of his little stores. Needless to say, we left without buying a swing set.  You can bet we won't be getting it from there once we finally decide on one. I can tell you one thing...I don't wanna be a Toys R Us kid!

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Daddy!

   I don't know what it is, but you can't put a price on a child's love for their father. Sure we carry them around for nine months, possibly breastfeed them until our breasts look like something out of National Geographic, and maybe we even clean up more poop than the zookeeper in the elephant cage, but it really doesn't matter. Not to say kids don't love their Mommas, but they can't get enough of their Dads. At least that's the way it is in my house.

  Maybe I notice it more because I have two girls. They don't call them "Daddy's Girls" for nothing. Although my youngest daughter clings to me for dear life,  she still said "Dada" first  (so did my first child). When Dad walks in the room, she kicks her legs like a maniac and her eyes light up like a Christmas tree. All is right in her little world.

   As for my oldest, she would carry her Dad around in her little butterfly purse if she could. Daddy is the first person she looks for in the morning and the first person she cries to if she gets in trouble. Of course, Daddy never yells at her. Mommy always has to be the mean one. She loves to lay on the couch with him where they watch their special show she simply calls, "Daddy's Show." I actually have one too, called "Mommy's Show", of course.

    Daddy is also the fun one. Not to say I'm a stick in the mud, but I'll be the first to admit I'm the more serious one. Someone has to keep everyone in check! Daddy flips them around. Daddy does crazy dances. Daddy sings really loud songs. As much as it may get annoying, they love every second of it. Truthfully, I wouldn't have it any other way.

   Just like you can't put a price on a child's love for their father, the same can be said for a father's love. Like Moms, Dads would give up everything to make sure their children are happy. They would do anything in their power to protect them from all the evils of this world. That's just what a Dad does. It just goes along with the territory. It goes along with being a superhero that so many men are to their children. Happy Father's Day!

  

  

Memory Book Bust

   Before I had kids I remember thinking I would be one of those Moms who would put Martha Stewart to shame when it came to pictures and scrapbooks. I would have the best little memory book for baby, documenting every breath, every moment, every word. Two kids and one big reality check later, I have not lived up to my expectations.
  
   With child number one, I kept up with the memory book for the first year or so. Despite being a picture whore, there are hardly any photos in the book where it says, "insert photo here." Where are those precious pictures? On the computer or on my phone, of course. For those that know me, you'd think I'd have those pictures printed out and date stamped. Wrong. The majority still need to be printed. I made a mental note for that to be my winter project this year. Well, it's almost summer and I've gotten nowhere.

   Here's the big epic fail. With child two, I think I only have the first two months of that damn memory book done. Every time I think I'm going to catch up, something comes up. What you ask? I have no clue. Maybe a dirty toilet, a load of laundry, writing this blog, perhaps just life in general. I just know it's not getting done and it's starting to get me mad.

   I don't want my kids to look at their books when they get older and have them be crappy. I'll have plenty of memories to tell them, but it would be nice if they could see and read about their little lives. I don't want them to think I didn't care enough to get it done.  But, it's kinda hard when you have one who wants to eat the pictures and another who wants to use them as a canvas.

   So what's a mom to do?  It would be great if good old Martha would come over and help me. I have some other projects she could get crackin' at while she's here! Since that's not going to happen, it looks like it's just me,  my pictures, my printer , and my memory that have a lot of work to do. Does anyone really keep up with these things?

Yes, I Am Mom Enough

   I know I'm late to the latest mommy wars battle royale, but I was too busy being "mom enough" to my two little girls to carve out some quality time with my laptop without passing out on the keyboard. If you haven't seen or heard about the cover of "Time" magazine which shows a woman breastfeeding her three year old son, then you must have been under a rock for the past week. The cover article talks about "attachment parenting" which supports things like co-sleeping and long term breastfeeding.

  First and foremost, I have to say if things like breastfeeding your child past their first birthday and letting them sleep with you works for you, then great for you. But, slapping a headline "Are You Mom Enough?" to an image of a woman breastfeeding a kid with a full set of chompers really irks me. As a Mom, I already feel pressured to be some type of sleep deprived multi-tasking superhero who can still look semi-decent 24/7.  I don't need someone to suggest that I need to carry my kid in sling and breastfeed her when she's old enough to down a T-bone in order to be classified as a good mother. As you may be able to guess, I don't co-sleep with  my kids (at least not voluntarily) and I'm not into breastfeeding once my kids break that first tooth. Just not going to do it. Period. 

  With all that said, I think I'm a pretty darn good mother and so are millions of other women out there. My children are loved, fed, and well taken care of. Both my kids had breast milk and formula. They are fine. I've never carried them in a sling. They are fine. My children sleep by themselves, except of course when my oldest gets out of bed and climbs into mine. Does she sleep with us sometimes? Yes. Is it annoying? Yes. Do we try to get her back to her be? You betcha. But, they are both fine.

   I don't think women need to be pressured to conform to a certain type of parenting to be considered "mom enough." What works for you and your family, may not work for me and and mine, and vice versa. I think when we start labeling parenting "styles", we get off course. We all want the same thing in the end...to have happy and healthy children. If you want that and strive for that everyday, you're "mom enough" in my book.

A Mother of a Day

  As a mother there are days, and then there are days with your children. You know those days. The ones that have you ready to tweeze every hair out of your head or go play in traffic or maybe tweeze every hair while playing in traffic. Whatever the case may be, kids can trade their halos for horns in a millisecond and drive you insane.

  So, what kind of things would make you want to buy a one way ticket to Zimbabwe? Let's see. For starters, your kid saying she has to pee everywhere you go although she has had nothing to drink for awhile. Then, when you get to the bathroom, she simply says no and walks away. Deep breath. Perhaps, it's having your baby contort her body as she desperately tries to free herself from her stroller as if she's possessed. Did I mention this is happening at the mall where you just wanted to buy one thing but end up leaving because you're so annoyed?

  Wait, there's more. How about having one child lick the wall, while the other uses your floor as a teething ring? Or one of my faves, having a bottle of water poured on the floor just for the hell of it. Then there's the constant fighting over toys between one child who says everything is hers and another who can't tell the other one to stop. Don't forget the projectile vomit all over your arm and hands and in the crevice of your rings. That may be my fave.

  All of this can really make you want to curl up in a fetal position and just hide. But you can't. You're the momma. All of this craziness comes with the territory, like it or not. They're just kids, but it can still drive you nuts. Maybe that's why there's one whole day dedicated to us for what we deal with the other 364.Happy Mother's Day!